Behind those smiles are tears...

eagerangel

Its been a while...

Its like I forgot this blog altogether. Thnaks to Google I found it again... And I'm maintaining a separate blog as well... so its hard for me to multi task...
anyway...

I think this is the place where I can say all my grudges and misfortunes because the previous entries, most of it if not all, talks about my sorrows, miseries and misfortunes.. (aawww..too bad!)

going back...

From the past weeks of mingling with new people and interacting with beings, you will always get hurt. YES! you will. One way or another, you'll feel that suffering inside your mind and heart, being confused and strangled with never ending thoughts.

I keep on asking myself why do we have to be on the wrong place at the wrong time. You will meet someone, both of you get along well. Both of you felt that there is something... Everything seems to be perfect, but then again you cant be together. And the worst thing, both of you know that.

There's this song originally composed by APO Hiking Society which was repopularized by Orange and lemons entitled "Magkayap sa Dilim". There is a line in that song that struck me...

"O kay sarap ng mga nakaw na sandali..."

which is the real score between the both of us... stolen moments... stolen glances...

we still go out... as friends. Well becasue that's what we've talked about. We go some places almost everyday... as friends. You can even think that we are together, but were not.

I kinda enjoy what we have right now because even if we are not considered to be as partners, we still have each other, though in a different way...

It hurts sometimes, but that's the truth of life...

eagerangel

I missed one day...shoot! Anyway, I finally had the chance to open up with Neil (the common friend). And i was so glad that he do not have any grudge over me. I was scared of telling it to him because I know that he will be mad at me. But at least we are ok. We talked at a small near RCBC in Makati. I opened up and it made me lighter. At least they know how I feel. Just one more problem.... today is the 22nd, our second month. i know that he will try to talk to me but I dont have the guts to talk to him. I dont even have the face to see him. I am planning to go somewhere else and just forget about this day. I dont want to feel thr guilt anymore...Its excruciating...But I know there will come a time that I will have to face it...

P.S.

Where is Nick?

eagerangel

I borrowed my roommate's cellphone to play a game on his cellphone. While I'm playing, someone called and I was shocked on the name that In saw in the screen. It's him. He is calling me. I do not know what to do. Do I have to tell him what I feel already. Or am I going to pretend again.

In a matter of seconds, I answered the phone and pretended everythings fine. I know that deep inside he knows that there is something wrong. We talked for about 15 minutes and then the line got cut off. When he called back, he wanted to talk to my roommate and I immediately walked out going to my friends room. Obviously, I cant bear it. Pretending that is. I slumped on their bed and I immediately fell asleep. I can hear my roommate calling my name, but then again, I pretended that I am asleep and that I do not hear anything. Eventually, I didnt spoke to him again.

I woke up at 3:00 and found out that my roommate is in the same room as I am. Again, I pretended that there is nothing wrong. Pretending that I am not avoiding the situation (whereas I am avoiding the topic). I felt hungry so I decided to go out and eat. My roommate accompanied me and we decided to play our favorite online game...Ragnarok!

We spent an hour playing and I admit, I really missed playing that Online game. We came back after an hour. And you know what, I asked my my roommate if we can play again. Its ok with him so we went back at the computer shop to play. I was deeply concentrated on the game when I noticed that its already 8:00 PM. God! I have work at 9:00 PM. We went back, cooked fast dinner, I prepared for work and here I am... doing this.

What a day! See how ironic it is. I just pondered that I am avoiding a lot of things in real life just like my character in Ragnarok. My character always avoids monsters and avoids getting killed and I am avoiding Him. I am not saying that he is a monster or something but is it coincidental that my character and myself shares the same situation...

eagerangel

I endulged my weekend in watching movies. i bought 10 DVD's last Friday and I am able to watch more than half of it. Its been a long time taht I watched DVDs at the comfort of our own home. I was kinda excited when I bought these movies and I was able to watch these films:

1. Cars
2. Little Manhattan
3. Da Vinci Code
4. Aquamarine
5. Poseidon
6. Eight Below

For a while I forgot my problems. Thanks to these movies, I am able to give my myself some time. Cars gave me the laugh. Da Vinci Code gave me the creeps. Aquamarine was nice but the story is too light. Good enough to give you the giggles. Poseidon is freaky with all the dead people but very encouraging. It will tell you that there is still hope amidst all the problems that you are having. Eight below made me cry. (Really!!!) The famous line that I remember in that movie: Its worth to take the chance for the things most important to you! Little Manhattan is the best! Its a love story of two young people. The stars of the movie were 10 and 11. Love really conquers all no matter what  your age would be.

I can't wait to watch more movies. I am aiming to watch:

1. Aeonflux
2. Slither
3. Saving Private Ryan
4. Silent Hill
5. Superman Returns
6. Scary Movie 4
7. and a whole lot more....

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I saw Rose Ann today. And God how I adore her. We knew for a fact taht there is something going on between the both of us but never had a chance to be together. She had a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend that time. Now, from what I know, she doesn't have a boyfriend and I would be ending the one I have now. We exchanged text messages this day and I kinda missed her company. I think that i am beginning to fall in love with her again. And I am beig bad again... I think. What if we ended up loving each other and Im not yet through with the one I have now. Its like "namamangka sa dalawang ilog".

I think I love her. I also think that she loves me too. Bt somebody else is loving me.

I hope you're getting the picture...

eagerangel

No Improvements! Im still stuck. Why am I in this situation? Have I done anything wrong? Different people telling me this and telling me that. I do not know what to do now.

Why am i ended up hurting someone else again. Ive ruined relationships before. And now I'm ending someone else's dream to be with someone, to love. Is this my misson in life? I hope not. I know that love is somehow a matter of trial and error. You learn from your mistakes. But the sad part is you hurt someone along the way. I want this feeling to end soon. God, please help me.

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On the other hand, its payday. But another sad note is that my money will be gone in the next 24-48 hours. But im happy because I know that the money will not go to waste for most of it was for my family. I just have to tighten my belt another notch.

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I bought my medicines a few hours ago for my sickness (gastritis). And I was shocked because it amounted over P800. My god! I never knew medicines are these expensive. I then remembered the Clusivol Commercial (Bawal Magkasakit!!!)

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Series on Unfortunate Events. Different Moods. Total Chaos.

P.S.

Congrats to Marie for her new job!